


How Does She Move On?

by kittyfurnandez



Series: Distraction Prompts- One Shots [2]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Chloe Depression, Chloe/Maze friendship, Deckerstar - Freeform, Funeral, sad Deckerstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27374800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittyfurnandez/pseuds/kittyfurnandez
Summary: "Did you do it for me?" from ttori315Another prompt for election anxiety distraction. This got real dark. Sad, raw, but hope you enjoy it.Triggers: depression, emptiness, deathComments are always appreciated!! Love to you all.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Mazikeen, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Distraction Prompts- One Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999456
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

"Did you do it for me?" from ttori315

Sobbing, Chloe laid across his grave in the fresh dirt. Her moans weren't that of pleasure, but instead of intense pain. _Can you die of a broken heart?_ She wasn't sure, but she might just find out.

The rain splashed giant droplets around her while her body disturbed the earth she tried to bury herself into. Flowers from Lucifer's closest friends were beginning to crumple under her weight, much like her heart inside her chest. She hadn't cried until today, completely numb since the day he jumped in front of her as their perp open-fired, and Lucifer's lifeless body lay there on the floor.

\-------------

_Chloe had taken cover quickly behind a sofa, just after Lucifer screamed "Go! Detective, leave!" She counted four shots before she heard a thump on the floor and the shooter's sneakers skid across the hardwood. She saw his head first then his torso, lying awkwardly on his side, blood seeping from his back through the three piece suit and pooling across the wood._

_The shots left ringing in her ears, and she radioed for back up. She couldn't chase after the asshole that did this. She couldn't leave her partner's body alone, whether he knew she was there or not._

\-------------

The droplets on Chloe's face mixed with her mascara-laden tears, her body heaving as her cries became hoarse. She was alone at the gravesite, not letting anyone drag her away before she was ready. Instead, her friends and family walked down to the service road to wait in their vehicles. She couldn't hear anything besides the distant thunder and rain hitting the nearby stones and trees. 

Her body was beginning to shiver. How long had she been laying there crying? How long had she been wishing she was in the ground with him? _How long ago had everyone left?_ It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Chloe's body was hollow, a shell of what she once was. 

How was she supposed to go back to work? Anyone that would approach her, calling her 'detective'.. _No,_ she can't think about it. She is _never_ going back. Not without her partner.

******************

Hours passed by as Maze waited in the car for Chloe. Everyone else went home soon after the caretaker covered the casket. Feelings weren't her thing, so she had left Chloe there to soak in them. At first, Chloe's screams and sobbing reminded Maze of home; but, Chloe wasn't a demon or a shitty human that deserved the torture she was being put through. The _asshole upstairs_ was responsible for Chloe's misery, and _damn_ , did he have a sick game they were all playing. 

Lucifer promised he wouldn't leave Maze behind again, but here she was stuck on earth like dejavu. _Fuck, how could he leave me here again?!_ She stomped the floor under her and punched the steering wheel. She wasn't going to cry; she couldn't give in to human emotions. 

She had no idea what to do when Trixie didn't want to leave her mom. Thankfully, Dan had stepped in to take Trix to his place for the weekend. Amenadiel went to the precinct to help the new detective on the case they had been working on when Lucifer was.. _whatever_.

When the car door opened, Maze was brought back from her thoughts. She hadn't even noticed Chloe had moved from the gravesite. 

"Decker, there's a towel you can sit on. Let's get you home."

Voice raspy, Chloe replied, "No, take me to the penthouse. I can't go home. I need.." She numbly dropped herself onto the passenger seat and stared blankly out of the passenger side window, eyes locked on the raw and turned earth.

Maze drove silently through the city as the rain let up. The sky was angry, and there was no sunset to be seen through the low-hanging clouds. Pulling into the private garage, Maze parked next to the once beloved corvette. Chloe got out and stumbled her way toward the elevator. 

"Chloe, let me help you get settled." Maze jogged after her, but was shooed off by a muddy arm. 

"I need to be alone. I'll be fine." She walked by the corvette and stopped at it's bumper. Fury raged through her. She took a step and kicked the bumper _hard_. One blow after another in her black boots, mud sticking to the shiny silver bumper. Finally, she gave up as exhaustion took over mentally and physically. Was she mad at him? Was she angry he saved her? No, she was angry with his father.. God. _How could someone treat their son so terribly, give him a gift, then take it all away so quickly?_

Tears were threatening her cheeks again. Her vision blurred as she stumbled further to the elevator. The hurt in her chest echoed to her abdomen. She hadn't eaten in days, but still felt like she might vomit. Holding on to the wall, Chloe sobbed and gagged, half expecting blood to pour out of her mouth. 

"Look, Decker, if you want me to leave once you're upstairs, fine," Maze called after her. "But I'm not leaving until you're safely in the penthouse." Coming up from behind, she tangled an arm through Chloe's and around her waist. Maze punched in the numbers to the penthouse and waited for the elevator.

_I will come for you_ she thought as she stared up to the heavens. How dare he take her king, her _friend,_ from her. She threatened to kill Lucifer a million times in their eons together, but it was on _her_ terms.

The door opened and the women trudged in. Maze felt Chloe's body begin to sink into hers, barely able to keep herself up anymore. This was no longer sad, it hurt. Chloe's hurt radiated through her veins and into Maze's. 

Opening to the dark penthouse, the amber hue from the elevator was the only source of light. Maze shook Chloe's shoulder enough to silently signal they were at their destination. "Decker, you need a shower. Should I call someone?"

"Maze, please just throw me in there. You can go.. really, I'll be fine." She wasn't buying that, and she was pretty sure Chloe didn't believe her own words. She had been out in the cold and rain all day. She wasn't a doctor, but she was positive that couldn't be good for a human. 

Walking up the short staircase toward the bathroom, Maze negotiated. "I can call Linda while you're in the shower. She's, you know.. better at.. well, _this_." She couldn't help the disgust that plagued her face thinking about feelings.

Panic in her voice, "Please! Don't! Maze, I appreciate your attempt at caring, but I just really need to be alone." Sitting down on the floor of the shower in all of her clothes and shoes, she slumped against the glass wall. Maze's look of pity didn't go unnoticed. Chloe had become her family, and she couldn't stand to see her so.. _pathetic._ She made the decision there not to leave her alone tonight. She couldn't.

Maze turned the shower dial. Hot water flowed through the rainfall head, warming Chloe's now shivering body, soaking right through her clothes. If she wasn't going to accept help, then Maze had done what she could, but she wasn't going to let Chloe ruin perfectly good boots. She pulled one off at a time and threw them aside. Walking out of the bathroom, she went to call in a pizza for delivery.

15 minutes later, Chloe plodded slowly from the steamed bathroom wrapped in Lucifer's black silk robe and slippers. Her hair was twirled up in a black plush towel. Her cheeks sunken, and the black bags under her eyes darker than they were before. Maze watched from the couch as her friend sunk down into Lucifer's bed, not even unwrapping her hair. She hadn't even noticed Maze was still in the penthouse, quietly watching and sipping whiskey while the newly lit fire warmed the open room. 

Sobs erupted again from the bedroom. Chloe wrapped herself in his comforter, smelling his faint cologne clinging to the sheets. " _Why?!_ Why, God, did you do this to him? To _us?!_ Why do you deprive him the happiness he deserves?!"

Maze sucked in a tearful breath. _She has a point, man. What the hell?!_ She wasn't mad at Lucifer anymore. No, she was over it. This wasn't his fault. Since when did he come so close to death and _actually_ die? 

A croaky, almost inaudible prayer came from the bundle of bedding. "Why did you do something _so_ stupid? _So_ careless?! Did you do this for me? Come back to me. Lucifer, please, I'm begging you. I cannot live in this world without you.." Her voice trailing off, Maze knew exhaustion was taking over Chloe.

_Well, at least the crying is done for a little while._ Just then, her phone rang. The pizza delivery guy. "Come on up." _Hm, maybe I can take him for a quick ride in the wine cellar.._ she thought. Maze would never admit it, but carnal activities were how she grieved. She didn't need to sob and wail like Chloe had all day. All she needed was to stab something or fuck something.. or both. 

The elevator dinged.


	2. Hell is a Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you so much for the feedback and wanting to see the angst for Chloe continue. This is really short, but hope you like it anyway. Let me know if you want to see this continued further. I am thinking about exploring the "nightmares" further...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// character death, depression, nightmares

Time became irrelevant. Food went spoiled out on the bar counter. She only got up to pee, pour a drink, or toss uneaten offerings into the trash. The burger and fries Dan brought her triggered a relapse into heartbreak, more shattered hopes and dreams and a popped blood vessel in her left eye. How could he know that it would set her on a path of self-destruction? He didn't know it was their thing. When he removed it from the brown paper bag, she let it sit there while she disassociated from her surroundings, not coming to reality when he said he would check on her again tomorrow. 

Chloe wasn't herself. Everyone that ventured to her aid insisted this emptiness was temporary. The only one who validated her feelings was Linda. _The therapist, of course._ She told her that this was part of the grieving process. It was "okay to feel lost, hopeless, broken even." Chloe knew what the stages of grief well, having experienced it when her dad passed away. The difference was that now Chloe _knew_ her Dad was in heaven, but Lucifer was doomed to Hell all over again. A place he hated. A place that could take what they have and use it against him. What if he got stuck in his own guilt? Sure, Amenadiel could go back and make sure he was okay, but she needed him here. How was she supposed to go back to her life before she knew the devil? Before he showed her a happiness and love that she had never had with anyone else? Getting news of his mental state was great, but knowing he was suffering worse than her shattered the remnants of a damned heart. 

Chloe opened a blackened curtain to the dark penthouse bedroom, only doing so during nighttime so she could lay in their bed, staring out into the emptiness of the blackened sky polluted with smog and lights from the booming city. Sinking into the covers, she daydreamed that the stars had gone duller in their creator's absence, but proof of such was impossible to see from here. She had no idea how many nights she had been in the penthouse since that rainy day at the cemetery. The day she buried her partner, confidant and lover was one of the worst days of her life. She couldn't pull herself together enough to see the last ray of light in her life either- Trixie. The days she actually decided to charge her phone and turn it on, Trixie asked when she would be home. All she could muster was "soon, monkey." The pretend optimism in her voice couldn't even convince her daughter that she would return to her life soon either. When Dan offered to bring Trixie by, Chloe immediately struck down the idea. "I can't do that to her right now, Dan. I can't.. I can't let down someone else" she found herself saying. When did she get here? She blamed herself after going through the rollercoaster of blaming the shooter, then God- it was really hard not to hate him after knowing, well, everything- Lucifer himself, now her. She was taking fault now because if she _hadn't pursued the perp into the house, they could have waited for back up. He would be alive. The perp would be in custody for the first body that dropped instead of being on the run after.. after.._

_When did the tears begin falling?_ The saltiness clung to her swollen lids with a mild burn, probably from all of the whiskey she has been consuming. The short periods of sleep she'd managed to accumulate lately were due to the alcohol and lack of food. She felt herself wasting away physically but solid food made her nauseous. The liquor at least numbed the physical ache pulsing through her body. It gave her the respit she needed to at least fall into dreamland, which didn't make her depression any better..

No, dreamland was just as bad as the waking hours. In her dreams Chloe found herself in dark corridors, running, searching everywhere for him. She had no idea what hell looked like, but she was pretty sure her mind determined it for her. In the few times she did discover Lucifer in the dark hallways, he was in a small room standing beside the identical sofa, the one she hid behind that desperately haunting day in her real life. He would give her a cocky smile, sometimes a cocky statement of "well, don't worry, Detective! I'm immortal, remember?" Then the shots would slice through the air, and she would relive the scene all over again, watching him collapse and die as he bled out.

Tonight's dream was a little different than the others. Tonight she didn't wake when he began to bleed out. No. Tonight she ran to him, trying to find the source of the bleeding as these bullets bounced off his stoic body, yet he still collapsed. A brief moment of relief flooded her narrative, but as the divine blood spilled onto the floor, the horror came back. "Lucifer, how do I make it stop?! God, help me!" She screamed as she looked toward the dark ashy sky above her. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH!" She was screaming up toward the Heavens, but she wasn't sure who she was blaming. 

"I'm sorry. Lucifer.. I'm.. sorry.." she whimpered between sobs. Her hands covered in deep crimson divinity as she knelt next to the quickly rotting corpse. She pulled his head onto her lap, closed his beautiful yet hollow chocolate eyes, and rocked slowly on her feet. "I couldn't protect you.. I should.. I should have protected you.."

His flesh and bones began to turn to ash and fly away in the imaginary breeze. Her sobs ceased as she watched the scene change around her to reveal the church in Rome, the dark varnished table sitting in the center of rows and rows of bookcases. Book after book opened and stacked on the table, dark and deceiving tales of the devil. Dust lingered in the air, visible in the small streams of light coming through the stained glass windows. Loud, heavy footsteps echoed through the vaulted ceilings, coming closer to meet Chloe in the thickened air of the desolate room. Father Kinley. 

A shudder of fear ran cold down her spine. "I thought you were dead," she choked out. No response. _Can he hear me?_ Father Kinley hummed a deep, methodical tune as he approached from the shadows. Navigating toward the large table, a broad arm outstretched as his fingers brushed over an illustration of the red devil surrounded by flames. "It is time to relinquish him from the walks of earth.. and she will be the one to help us."

"I WILL NOT help you. I've already told you! He is a _good_ man." Chloe jumped awake as she heard herself scream. Tears clung to her cheeks and stained the satin pillowcase. She looked around the room to see the curtain still slightly open. Judging from the darkness outside, she hadn't been asleep long. Just long enough to relive the nightmares of that year. 

She got up to close the curtain again. Her whole body trembled, and she couldn't shake the nightmare from her thoughts. Her sadness consumed her already, and she wasn't sure she could survive much longer if the nightmares were going to persist as well. "Maybe if I shower.." She couldn't remember the last time she had, and judging by the friends that had come to check on her, it had definitely been over a week. Chloe pulled her hair from it's messy bun and let it fall heavily to her shoulders. She tried to run her fingers through, but they got stuck in a matted knot somewhere in the back. Annoyed, she made her way to the shower. 

As she washed some of her despair down the drain, the most recent nightmare tugged at her thoughts. _What did it mean, and why was it haunting me?_ Lucifer forgave her for betraying him with Father Kinley, hadn't he? Suddenly she heard a loud thud outside the bathroom door. It was the middle of the night, who could possibly be showing up right now? Surely it couldn't be some random ex showing up without realizing he- well, whatever..-? Cautiously, Chloe turned the water down a bit to listen for the possible intruder. Staring through the steamed glass, she made note of the only thing that she may be able to defend herself with- a plunger. _Great._ She hadn't been home in who knows how long, and she didn't bring her gun to the funeral, so that would just have to do..

Abruptly the door swung open and a familiar voice echoed through the bathroom. "DECKER. You in here?" Maze. The demon was back to check on her friend. Of course it was Maze. Only close friends and family knew the code to the penthouse, and only Maze would be waltzing through at all hours of the night. 

"Maze! Privacy!" Chloe yelled, but did not sound as upset as she was trying to be. Even her breach of privacy didn't affect her the same. 

"Okay, Granny Panties. Nothing I haven't seen before. Besides, I brought something to cheer you up. At least I think so anyway.." Maze continued into the bathroom, ignoring Chloe's slight frustration. "I mean, usually I just use sex to help a human feel better, but I obviously can't do that with you." Maze peered at Chloe hungrily from her spot near the vanity. "Or can I?"

"Can you at least throw me that towel?" Chloe turned the water off and stuck her hand out to her friend. She lazily slung her arm across her abdomen and a hand over her vagina. Maze was right, it wasn't anything she hadn't seen before, and Chloe could barely care Maze was seeing her naked again.

"Relax, Chlo. I'm just kidding! Anyway, when you're clothed- or not- come on out to the bar." Chloe wrapped herself in the plush black towel and squeezed out her hair. Smelling his shampoo on her own body, she stared at herself in the mirror. _What am I doing? His soul is still alive. I need to have hope._

Looking back at her from the mirror she found hollowed and sunken eyes. Her gray hairs right at the top of her forehead were threatening her roots, and her body looked smaller and more fragile than usual. Finding the red silk robe she always wore when she slept over, she draped it over her shoulders and tied it tightly just above her hip bones. She combed her hair and brushed her teeth, taking her time to put the little bit of care she had left to try to feel human again. With most of the nightmare suppressed into the hollow depth of her mind, she slipped her feet into the deep red slippers behind the door. Her stomach rumbled a low growl, the most alive she had felt in days. 

Hearing a low laugh down the hall, she cocked her head to listen closer. _I know that laugh.._

Chloe made her way through the bedroom to the bar and expanse of the penthouse. There she was, sitting at the bar in her pajamas, hair tied up in the same messy bun Chloe herself was wearing. Trixie turned around, a smile washing away the tiredness on her face.

"Mom!" She hopped down from the stool and ran to Chloe with a big hug. "I hope it's okay Maze brought me over. She lost a bet, and I really wanted to see you. Please don't be mad, mom."

"Aw, baby, I'm not mad." A warmth she hadn't felt in what seemed like eons washed over her. Genuine content showed on Chloe's face. She was trying so hard to not be consumed by the sadness and emptiness, she forgot the simple happiness her child could give. As much as she told Dan she was protecting Trixie, Chloe realized in this moment she was forcing herself a sorrow she thought she deserved. Her eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill over at the emotional maturity of her daughter. She soaked in the embrace Trixie offered, smelled the top of her head for the familiar shampoo and chocolate cake. "I've missed you so much, monkey. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay.. but can Maze and I sleep here with you tonight?" Her huge brown eyes peered up at her mother.

"Sure, baby. Let me change the sheets and we can snuggle up." Not spending the night alone actually made realize how much she needed this right now. Then her stomach threatened the moment with another loud growl, making Trixie look down at Chloe's stomach.

"Mommy, it sounds like you need to eat.."

"Decker, I'll take care of the sheets. There's a bag of snacks on the piano. I brought you a sandwich and I packed some stuff for a movie day tomorrow, just us." Maze didn't wait for Chloe's response and went straight away to the bedroom. 

"Wait, Trix, honey, you can't miss any more school. You can't stay home tomorrow." Chloe began unpacking the bag and unwrapped the sandwich quickly. She was famished now.

"It's the weekend.. and I already finished all of my homework, cleaned our apartment and even did the dishes with Maze after she threw them in the garbage again!" The aren't-you-proud smile beamed on her daughter's face.

"HEY! You said you weren't going to tell her!" Maze shouted from the bedroom, making quick work of the bedding. "That's what I get for making friends with a human.. I cannot even.." her voice trailed off as she continued muttering to herself. Chloe laughed lightly, something she just realized she hadn't done (also in days).

"Alright, Trix. A movie day actually sounds pretty good. I could use it." With half of the sandwich already gone, she made her way back behind the bar for some water. "Let's head to bed and we can decide which movies tomorrow."

Trixie grabbed Ms. Alien and two more bottles of water and went to the large bed. "Sounds good, mom. I'll sleep in the middle and Maze can snuggle up with us, too! We can have a girls' weekend!"

Maze nodded with a sigh of approval. "Not my typical night with two other women, but it'll do. Cool, little human, but no kicking me in the middle of the night or you're sleeping outside again."

"MAZE! She's just a kid, you can't-"

"Chlo- chill! I'm only kidding, I won't do that again. I'll just push her over and we'll make you sleep outside instead" Maze gave her friend a small smile. "Kidding, Decker. Now let's go, you look like hell."

_Hell._ That's where her mind took her when she slept, but is that really where her soul has been going in her slumber as well? The heaviness of the nightmares cannot be just a coincidence. _The way they lingered and felt so real.._ The way Lucifer and Maze had described Hell in the past, this couldn't just be her mind making up this harsh dreamworld, could it? Suddenly, sleep scared her. _Maybe I'll be okay tonight.._ She climbed into bed and pulled Trixie close.


End file.
